Embracing Adulthood

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Peace be upon you

Title: Embracing Adulthood

It has been 4.5 years since I last published an entry, into this space. A lot has happened, since then. I have changed, I am not the same person I was before. My passion and interest has changed, my vision in life has changed, the way I view the world has changed, the way I interact with the people around me has changed. Almost everything intrinsic about me, has changed. 

Previously, I was young and naive. I had a very limited understanding about the world. I couldn't quite comprehend the full meaning of life, and what it will entail. 

Nobody prepared me for this - a heartbreak, a failed career, a failed attempt at trying to lose weight, the quarter life crisis, the burnt-out from having to constantly care for the mental well-being of a loved one, and more. 

When I was 18 years old, I thought I understood what it meant to be an adult. I had a lot of ideas about what my life will be like in the next 5 to 10 years. I thought I would have my life figured out by then, IF i made the proper planning at 18.

So, I came up with a 5 year plan, mapping out every single detail of my life (what I want to achieve, how to achieve my goals, at what age to marry, the type of guy I will marry, the countries I will travel, the total amount of money I would have saved in my bank account etc). 

It was like the perfect life plan. But now I am telling you, my life did not turn out the way I had wanted it to be, at all. 

I never thought, 

I would quit teaching (both in early childhood, and in special education).

I never thought, 

I would make a career switch and go into the field of social work. 

I never thought,

my family and I would have to move houses again. 

I never thought, 

I'd end up here today,

25, a part-time undergrad and unemployed. 

There are a ton of unpleasant and unexpected discoveries that comes with adulthood. And the most powerful life lesson, often comes the hard way. Looking back, there are some things I wished I had not done. 

I grieve for the paths I did not take. Opportunities do not come knocking on your door twice, I learnt it the hard way - that this statement is indeed true. I went through an entire cycle of frust and despair, but I think I have finally reached the stage of acceptance - that some things, are just not meant to be. 

I have came to accept that every single one of my life experiences has been decreed. I find comfort in knowing that surely, there is a blessing in disguise. 

I don't know what lies ahead of me, 

but I hope to be a better version of myself, with each passing day. 

Adulting is tough,
but let's take it one day at a time.

The soul still seeking for peace,
Suhaidah Amran

Growing Up

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

A few weeks back, I went on a solo adventure to revisit the place where I grew up in since birth; Woodlands. I saw a younger version of myself there. The immature, happy go lucky kid who had nothing to worry about; except for maybe school and tuition.

You know...

There is a bittersweet feeling that comes,
when you realise the things and places you once know so well,
are no longer the same now.

I walked through the entire neighbourhood, visited the unit where I used to live in,
window shopped at the wet market my family used to grocery shop at etc,
only to realise that nothing; will ever be the same again.

Families have moved, new buildings were built.
I teared at that thought, and I wonder if I was being too emotional.
But these are not tears of loss or regret. It was just an emotional release, spurred on by this very special place.

Ah, it feels so surreal to think about the past, and the person you used to be....
versus the present, and the person you are now.

I reflected back on how much I have grown, and evolved over the years.
I thought about the significant few people, who entered my life then, and then left without a word.
Do they still remember me? Hah, move on Su.

This I told myself:
Su, you aren't the same person you used to be, and you won't be the same person you are now, when you revisit this place again in a year, two years or five years from now.

Rediscovering a place that was once so familiar,
is definitely one of the best things I had ever done in a long time.

Our hometown, may or may not bring us good memories.
But it will do your soul good to revisit, and see it in a new light.
You'll form new perspectives in life, that will hopefully make you, a better person.

Have you ever 'gone home again'?
For these places, could be a lot more interesting then you could ever imagine.

Night Time

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

I don't know what is it about the night,
if it's the stillness of the clouds, or the echoes in the sky.

All my thoughts throughout the day,
tend to unravel from my mind.

As if the night has the answers,
as if the night knows all my secrets.

I don't know if it is the stillness of the night,
that allows every whisper inside of me to become so loud.

It was as if the heart knew, that someone somewhere,
had been listening to every little thought that came to my mind.

And with this realization, I finally begin to understand why,
we have been encouraged to perform Tahajjud at night.

The Prophet (pbuh) said: "The Lord descends every night to the lowest heaven when one-third of the night remains and says: Who will call upon Me, that I may answer Him? Who will ask of Me, that I may give him? Who will seek My forgiveness, that I may forgive him?" [Sahih Al-Bukhari and Muslim]


And I suppose this is why they say,
the doa' made at tahajjud, is like an arrow that never misses it's target.

I still struggle to rise for Tahajjud sometimes.
But if there is one thing I could share about the miracle of this ibadah is that,
we become a better version of ourselves in the day, with every single act of ibadah performed the night before.

It teaches the heart to be humble,
it eliminates our ego.

Waking up at 3 a.m in the morning is no easy feat.
To remove that comfortable piece of blanket away from our body requires little physical strength but still, we struggle to rise.

To pull ourselves up from bed requires little to no effort at all,
but still, we struggle to rise.

Why? Because standing in the night for prayers is an honour, sinners are unworthy of.
The sins we have committed in the day, restrains us from waking up to perform the ibadah at night. Could you bear to live with that?

I can't.

The Perfect Waleemah

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum


Witnessing the wedding of Al fadhil Ustaz Hasbi Hassan's son on the third day of Syawal. And I am awe struck, at just how Islamically beautiful, the wedding is. I've alwayssss disliked attending a typical malay wedding because of the loud music, absence of a musollah etc (may He forgive, and guide us all insyaallah). But this waleemah, is perhaps one of the best, that I have ever been to.

A white tent was set up to divide the hall into two, to ensure that ikhtilat between the muslimins and muslimats are well observed.

The bride and groom need no kompang/kuda kepang accompaniment to mark their entrance into the wedding hall. They casually walked into the hall, with so much calm and nuur on their faces. The couple were humbly dressed too, that it could put guests with thick make/bling bling outift to shame.

Almost all the guests that came, had their aurat perfectly covered. The Kendarat ladies on duty, are quite worthy of mention because their tudung were labuh and they wore loose fitting abayas.

No nonsensical lovey dovey dangdut songs were on play, no karaoke. Only Qasidahs, Burdahs, and nasyeed were heard. And even that, were played at a reasonable volume. When the azan came, people took turns to pray. Great care must be taken, when it comes to Solat; especially when you're at a wedding. You can be the groom, the bride, or the cook even, but please remember to take the Solat with you. And this is something I would remind to my flawed self too.

In particular for the Bride. Some brides choose to Qadha' their Zohor, because taking ablution will ruin their make-up. But how can we expect for a marriage to be successful and blessed, if we begin our married life by abandoning the first pillar of Islam, in pursuit for the perfect wedding?

This my brothers and sisters, is how a waleemah should be like. How can Allah not give His Blessings, to a marriage that holds their waleemah with so much sensibility to the Deen?

150 years down the road, if Allah were to bless me with a man whom He wills for me to love and marry, I would hold my wedding the exact same way too. But chances are, zeroooooo I know. Because who'd want me for a wife, haha.

Goodbye Ramadhan

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalammualaikum

So here we are, in a moment of muhasabah and self reckoning.
We remember the days we spent with our guest; (Ramadhan), just how much good did we do? And how much of what we did, can we count on as a sincere act of ibadah? 

Guests should be honored the moment they arrive, and they should be honoured even more, at the time of their departure. A guest does not stay for long with his host. It says what it needs, and then it leaves the host. And that is how Ramadhan manifests itself to the Muslim ummah.

As we bid adieu to this holy moth, let us honor their departure, by giving words of thanks and praise to the Almighty, for this blessed opportunity. Takbeer.

Return to Fitrah

 

 In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

As I lay awake in the middle of the night,
I looked out of the window into the white moon light.

I found you there,
looking so radiant and bright.

We share the same Rabb,
and we share the same light.

But tell me how is it that you always manage to stay faithful to your place,
while I keep trespassing the bounds that have been set for me at a crazy pace?


Tonight, before your great beauty I stand,
with my head lowered in great shame.

Dear self,
humble your tired soul,
and return back to the Lord you have so long ignored.


Blessed is He, who has placed in the sky great stars, and place therein a burning lamp, and a luminous moon. [Al Furqan: 61]

Ramadhan 2015

 

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

Assalamualaikum

We have reached, the month of Ramadhan. Many reduce fasting to a simple exercise; in empathy with the poor. While that may be true, the real purpose of fasting is for us to attain Taqwa (God-consciousness). This is a month full of baraqah from The Almighty, so...

Pray, for the souls who did not make it to this Ramadhan.

Pray, for the souls who will not make it, through this Ramadhan.

Pray, for this may well be, your last Ramadhan.

*Sharing Session*

My current read: Reclaim Your Heart by Yasmin Mogahed.

I have summarised some of the contents to the best of my ability,
to give you that extra spark, to fuel our Ramadhan insyaallah.

There are many ways to fall, but no fall is more tragic than a fall in one's Deen. If you wish to turn your life around, begin with the solat. Many have been deceived into thinking that they need to first turn their life around, before they can start to pray.

Such a person is like one who has dirt on the body, but refuses a shower because he foolishly insists on waiting for the dirt to miraculously disappear by itself. Just like how a shower could clean physical dirt from our body, the Solat; it cleanses our soul.

What happens if we continue to refuse the shower? Our body will emit a bad small.

But what happens if we refuse to solat? Nothing good, could ever come from the soul of the one, who abandons the solat.

We feed our bodies, because if we don't, we die.
Yet we starve our souls, because taubah can wait. 

Ironically, the body we tend to is only temporary, while the soul we neglect is eternal.
So can taubah really wait, when death knows no age?

With that, if you wish to turn your life around, start performing the solat. There can't be a better time to start this new regime (if you haven't been praying at all), than in the most blessed month of all months, Ramadhan.

And I take this opportunity, to humble myself before you beautiful souls,
to seek forgiveness, especially if any of my postings has shown a lack of adab, and or akhlak on my part. 

Addua' biddua'.

Ahlan ya Ramadhan. (:

A Simple Life

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

I have 1001 things on my plate.
3/4 of which; revolves around issues relating to internship.
I feel like it is THE biggest hurdle I have to overcome in life, right now.
 
I do not know why, but of late,
I feel that my intellectual ability has hit ground zero.
I used to be able to think quick.
I used to be creative.
I used to lead.
And when I lead, I lead well.

How else would I have secured all those big leadership positions throughout my primary/secondary school years? Chairing the position of a Vice-President of the Student's Council in secondary school,
representing Singapore as a youth delegate at an exchange program with NYC at 18 years old etc, are accomplishments that I feel proud of.

Ahah.
Qualifications, accomplishments, school grades, = life?
I am exhausted, in trying to prove to my lecturers and peers,
that I am academically worthy.


School, isn't all about getting the 'As', and attaining good GPAs.
I used to compare myself against the top scorers, wishing I could at least hit a 3.8.
& so I diligently chased after good grades and now, I am tired.

I grew up believing that with good education, comes great success.
While I do not deny the importance of education, I question how we define a person a 'educated', and how we measure 'success'.

My perspective on life, has shifted to a new paradigm I believe.
My life is worth so much more than the grades I get for in exams.
But then I was told; the grades you get, will determine the life you live.

While some may dream of driving fancy cards, and securing a job with high pay,
I dream of a simple life.

Because really,
what if I just want to have a simple life?
Gosh I am so naive.

I may ditch teaching completely, to venture on odd jobs that would humble me. Like maybe do the garbageman job, be a cook at the hawker, sell ice-cream on a tricycle at ECP, (because I don't know how to bi-cycle)...just to have a feel of what it is like, to be out of my comfort zone for a bit.

Bottomline: I do not want to want to work for people, because I do not owe anyone a living. Big bosses be thinking they call the shots, because they are THE boss. Office politics and the sort; gosh what a world. I want to be working with people, because it makes me feel more human.

I crave for a strong connection with the people I love. (Read: family). Live far from city life, and be closer to nature. I hope I do not sound like a secluded monk here lol, because in spite of these all, I am still, a part of the world.

This path I take, will definitely not reflect 'success', the way our society has perceived it to be. I begin to finally comprehend why, we have been told to live in this world, as though you were a stranger (ghurabaa). I will stop chasing for perfection in this life, because it was never meant to be perfect. It would seem silly if I strive hard to make it be.

If life was perfect, then would there be a need for the next? Doncha gedittt.

Moments of Peace

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum


This is a night made perfect,
for me to fall into a deep state of meditation,
without a single care for the world.

I saw my fifteen year old self,
making a pledge for change.

It was a change that led the teen,
to return back to the arms of The One,
who had blessed her with Islam.

Masyallah.
It was a calling, that felt so supreme and pure;
and I'd give anything, to experience the moment all over again.
Now, I could only let out a tearful smile,
as I recalled back to my early days of hijrah.

I knew I had finally set foot, onto the right path.
But it was a path, that would bring about a set of challenges that could either make me, or break me
This, was something I failed to foresee.

Wallahi,
many times I have failed,
many times I have strayed.
The tears I have shed,
the guilt I have felt.

It was a struggle to stand up strong,
from every single bad fall.

It takes courage to still walk on this path of  رحمة
despite all the scars that I have brought upon onto myself.

Life, doesn't just exist.
By definition, it tells us to live.
And through living, we grow.

Really, I hope I am growing.

So, here's to a fresh new start.
I'll stick to a path in life for once.

الحمدلله for all the previous نعامة .
May the next set of challenges that come,
be one that will only make me stronger, and wiser;
throughout my stay in Dunya.

Ya Rabb,
Save our souls, O Dear Lord.
For we are in absolute need, of the good You have for us.

The soul still seeking for peace,
Nurul Suhaidah Amran

Imaan

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

" People say to you; you've changed. Well I hope for the sake of Allah you have changed. Because I don't want to be the same person all my life. I want to be growing, expanding. I want to be changing. Animate things change, but inanimate things don't. Dead things don't change. And the heart should be alive. It should be changing, moving. It should be growing, it's knowledge should be expanding."
- Sheikh Hamza Yusuf

One day you feel like you are on the top of the world. You recite the quran, did all your fardhu prayers on time, practiced the sunnah, had no issues with your family members, and you truly felt like your iman was at the peak of a coaster ride.

And there are other days when, you might have missed your Fajr prayers, and got into a little misunderstanding with your parents. You realised, your iman have hit a little too low.

Why?
Because Allah has mentioned in the Quran, that mankind was created weak. 

The way I see it, Iman is like a gem.
It is so precious, it requires lots of effort and strength, to protect it from crumbling into pieces. 

We may have spent years to instill Iman in ourselves. But yet at the same time, we could lose it in the blink of an eye. Especially IF we fail to maintain it with ikhlaas and ihsan. If we do not strive to put ikhlas in our 'ibadah, it would be hard for us to remain steadfast in the Deen.

I pray for our hearts, to be constantly filled with a lifetime's worth of imaan, ikhlas, and ihsan. For these to develop, the ruh within ourselves, needs to be educated. It needs to be trained to recognise the Al-Khaliq, all over again.

Ruh dan hati itu perlu didik.
Ia perlu merujuk kembali kepada Al-Khaliq.

How?

Did you forget that we have been gifted with a Book?
It came from the Most Exalted, The Most High.

The greatest reason for weakness in Imaan, is being detached from the Book of Allah. This detachment can kill our spiritual being. The longer we stay away from the Book of Allah, the further we will stray. Na'udzubillahhi min dzalik. If we do not read it, if we do not ponder over its meanings, do we still need to wonder why our Imaan have hit an all-time low?

If at this very moment, you feel that you have completely lost your imaan, know that the guilt you are feeling, is also a Mercy from Allah. Because some hearts have been hardened so much, that sins mean nothing to them. So get back up while you are still under the Mercy of Allah, and build your imaan all over again, from scratch.

This process of change will take years. But change can only happen, if you make the first brave step forward, to declare a change. Trials and tribulations will come. Because imaan is not something that can be developed, within a year or two. Imaan, cannot be granted to any random Ahmad, Ali, or Aishah unless they have spent their while life doing a jihad against their nafs, to act upon the belief of the shahadah.

Losing imaan is not okay.
To wait for imaan to miraculously appear, is not okay.

You gotta put in effort.
Start small.

Mujahadah itu pelu.

O Allah, place light in my heart, and on my tongue light, and in my ears light and in my sight light, and above me light, and below me light, and to my right light, and to my left light, and before me light and behind me light. Place in my soul light. Magnify for me light, and amplify for me light. Make for me light and make me a light. O Allah, grant me light, and place light in my nerves, and in my body light and in my blood light and in my hair light and in my skin light.”  Bukhari and Muslim

The soul still seeking for peace,
Suhaidah Amran