Lost in the rain

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

Title: Lost in the rain

It's 2:09am, & I still can't seem to get any sleep. My pillow case is wet, because I have been crying since midnight; thinking about so many things. & I can't toss myself around to the left or to the right, else my knee will crack again. It's pretty tiring to be sleeping in sucha position. Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to blog instead. & I'm blogging through my phone cos my laptop's in the balcony.

Have you walked with crutches before? I have never imagined myself to be walking with one. & now, I have to travel with this crutch to wherever I go. It isn't easy to walk with the crutches. I have to put up with people's staring and glarings. It is unfortunate that I became the center of attraction to so many people, for all the wrong reasons.

I feel sad. & it's not because of the fact that I am walking with crutches. But I feel sad for those people who have no legs at all & had to rely on the cruthes for support, throughout the entire of their life. How could they be so strong? Won't their arms ache? It's only my 2nd day, but my arms are aching sooo badly that I couldn't even carry my own plate of rice to the kitchen without dropping it to the floor. So mummy made me lie in bed all day. I've put too much pressure on my right leg and now, even my backbone is aching too.

What that saddens me deeply is that, due to my knee injury, I can't even take my wudhu' properly. I can't lay my own prayer mat to the floor. I can't do my ruku'. I can't do my sujud. I had to perform my solat while seated in a chair; and now my solat is just not as khusyu' as before. I have to put up with these, for several weeks; maybe months even. Have you any idea how that makes me feel like? I feel frustrated. I am annoyed at myself. I feel sad. I feel bad.

In the blink of an eye, Allah took the nikmat of being able to walk properly, away from me in just a snap. Subhanaallah. And that is enough to make me realise that, one should never underestimate the nikmat that Allah has blessed us with; regardless of how big or small the nikmat may seem to look like. We should be grateful. Alhamdulilah though because at least, I still have legs.

I hope to get well soon and I really really hope, that my parents will start talking to each other soon. Sometimes I wonder. If I were to choychoy die tomorrow or get into an accident or something, will that help to make my parents to be okay with each other again? If it does, I would gladly die first, just so that they will learn to start appreciating each other's presence and love each other all over again.

Them not talking to each other; its actually affecting my little sis badly. It is absolutely absurd that they are fighting because of me and this is really unfair to my sister. She's a growing teenager. She needs their attention and love, care and concern, more than I do. Nevermind about me, I am satisfied enough to know that my parents love me. I'm sorry little sister, I know you don't like it when I ask you to help me do simple things like, serving me breakfast/lunch/dinner. I'm sorry, I won't burden you anymore. I'll be independent. I'm strong. It's just a knee injury. I should have known better than to be a burden to people. I'm sorry.

O Allah, this test that you have imposed on me this time round, is really a great one O Lord. I feel so sorry for myself, O Allah, I feel so sorry for myself. )':