I'm just tired.

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

Title: I'm just tired.

I'm not crying, there's just a little bit of dust in my eyes.
I'm not crying, my eyes are just a little sweaty today.
I'm not crying, I've been cutting onions.
I'm not crying, no I'm not.
I'm not crying, I'm just tired.

Something we should be guilty of doing; saying I am okay, when we are actually not. This is frustrating. Maybe, I don't have patience afterall & I admit that. It is really frustrating when you can't walk properly. It's sooooo tiring to be limping around with a crutch to wherever you go. I can't even ride the MRT and it is costly to be travelling in a cab. & then I thought that I could get a seat in the train, but no one gave up their seat for me; much to my dismay. They just stared at my knee, looked away, and pretended to go to sleep. It was torturing to be standing in the train with absolutely nothing to hold on to for balance.

I shouldn't have come to school yesterday. I went to school without bringing my crutches along because I thought I could walk. Wherever I go, people stare, and they glare. If this crutch was a gun, I would've shot them down. Astaghfirullah right, I know I shouldn't have even made sucha crude remark, but I just can't help it. Oh no I'm in a mess now, am I not? I've allowed my emotions to get the better of me. Allah, I'm in deep trouble with my Deen.

Everynight, I pray and hope that a miracle will just happen overnight so that I can walk properly all over again. I don't mind about this knee injury. & I know that I should at least be grateful because I still have a pair of legs. But I just don't understand myself anymore. Why is this affecting me so negatively? It's like, I get agitated all so easily. What happened to my patience? Where's my sabr? Where's my eeman? What happened to you Susu, whaaaaat? It's just a friggin knee injury and it'll be fine in no time; yeah like in a month or so. Ugh why am I behaving this way? Everything just seems so dark and negative all so suddenly. I don't like this feeling. I honestly don't.

The situation right now is not going to get any better. I just returned from the clinic for a follow-up, with a little piece of bad news to share. This time, the doctor referred me to an Orthopaedic Clinic. I don't know how much the consultation is going to cost, but at least the school's paying for it. But here comes the problem. My family and I will be leaving for Jakarta this Sunday, and we can't possibly cancel this holiday trip away because my parents have been planning for this trip since like a month ago. They have already booked the air flight tickets and have already made reservations for the hotel etc, so how am I going to fly to Jakarta in this state?

This was what the doctor said: Suhaidah, if you still can't walk properly by Sunday, you'll have to travel to a Jakarta in a wheelchair. You still can't walk around for too much. You need to let your knees rest. I'm giving you a week's worth of MC. Why did you even bother to go to school yesterday? You really shouldn't have!

He sounded really serious, and there was this very firm tone in his voice that I don't even dare to look into his eyes. I don't like this doctor anymore now. Lol, why did he have to be sooo fierce? Because you were stubborn Susu. Right, okay true. So I didn't object to him when he gave me a week's worth of MC. But I am extremely worried for my school assignments now. I've to hand in one assignment on Thursday, and another one on Friday. I'll have to be present in school for both days, but given my current condition, I know my parents will not allow me to go to school in this sorry state. They even made me surrender my copy of the house keys to them because they know just how strong-headed I can be at times. I probably will have to get a friend of mine to drop by my house to help collect the assignments and hand them up to the lecturers for me. But who lives in Woodlands? My bestfriend lives in Tampines. Another one lives in Pasir Ris. There's another one who lives in Woodlands, but we're roaaaads apart. Wouldn't wanna burden her. Gahhh. This is so frustrating, ohmygod.

& I've not done my sujud for so long. Trust me, performing solah while seated in a chair can get really distracting and confusing at times. I don't feel as khusyu' as before. I feel like forcing myself to ruku' and do the sujud. I can't live like this. I can't! O Allah, please please please a thousand times really please, grant me the patience to deal with this. I hate having to lie in the bed all day. My mum have to serve me breakfast/lunch/dinner, help iron my clothes for me, and I think my dad is the most worried one for me. I don't like this at all. Just what is wrong with you Susu, what is wrong with youuuuuu?!

Maybe I need to hide in a cave for time-being. Is there one in Singapore? ]=