It's messed up.

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

Title: It's messed up.

There's just something about feeling fresh and rejuvenated upon having after performed the morning Subuh prayers. That strong smell of fresh air, that cool breeze of the wind, & that lovely silence of the morning, ah they're just so heavenly and they strike a chord in my heart. Nature's such a great beauty.

Looking at the picture that I took above, it reminded me of a terawih session that I did at Assyakirin last Saturday. The picture was taken at level 2; and I've always enjoyed standing by that huge window, and gaze at the moon and the stars, admiring the beauty of His creations, for a longgg time. And I can just stand down there literally for hours because I find that it is the perfect place for me to self-reflect, & ponder about my doings on Earth.

On a funny note, I remembered how when I was a kid, I had this huge craze to fly up to the moon and eat the moon up because they looked like fishballs to me. Oh and I had wanted to eat the clouds too because they looked so much like cotton candies. What a crazy tomboy I was back then!

And at this very moment, I feel sad. Very, very sad and I feel extremely sorry for myself. Just a moment ago, I received a text message fromh a sister; expressing her joy about the fact that she had just successfully qatam-ed reciting the Quran, for the first time ever, in her entire life. And the fact that she was able to qatam the Quran in this blessed holy month of Ramadhan, makes me feel even more envious. In a good way that is! I am so envious of the amount of faith that she has in her, her determination, her perseverance etc and I figured that I prolly wouldn't have that same bold amount of strength in her, to remain focus in carrying out the ibadah; despite having to deal with some obstacles in life.

My Ramadhan mission was a complete fail because I had spent too much time with school revision; preparing for the semester exams that will be coming in exactly a week's time. I would usually do my revision in school and by the time I get home, I'll be completely drained of my energy and all that I could think about was to wait for the adzan, and break my fast. And then after the Isya' prayers, I'll be so sleepy & I would hit the bed before 10p.m.

That was how my routine was like, for this Ramadhan unfortunately. I ought to be ashamed of myself. I need to repent. But I keep procrastinating and leave about all these repent business thing for tomorrow and as time passes by, voila; we are already into 27 Ramadhan.

I suppose that tonight, would be the turning point of my life, thanks to a show that I watched on Suria(Cahaya Malam Lailatul Qadar) and several other eeman booster videos that I found on Youtube.

I wish I could just bang myself hard against the wall and cut myself up into pieces because I had been so daft and the fact that my Ramadhan mission was a complete fail, deeply just saddens me to no end.

I think I had just created a mess out of my whole life. Time to clean it all up. I should first begin with cleaning my heart first, through constant dzikrullahs because verily, only in the remembrance of Allah, do the hearts find peace...