I Have To Change

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful

Assalamualaikum

Title: I Have To Change

"Your sins in Ramadhan don't reflect who you are. But rather, they reflect how much Syaitan have affected you, for the past 11months, or so. May Allah guide us all."

Wow, I thought to myself. How true is that? I don't think I've realised how much Syaitan have affected me for the past 17 years of my life, until recently. My heart; I think it's filled with so many black dots already. I need time. I need time to correct everything that I've done wrong. And I am afraid. I am soooo afraid that I might not even get the chance to repent, and cleanse my heart properly.

Where have I been to all these while? The inner part of me I mean. I think I've strayed too much. One moment, my eeman can be at the very top and the next thing I know, it'll crumble back down into pieces. Why was I so daft? Why did I give in to Syaitan? Why was I so gullible? Why, why, why? ]=

Sometimes, I think that I am a burden to others. With this ugly attitude of mine, I have caused enough hurt and pain to all those people whom I love so dearly. As I reflected back on the performance of my fardhu prayers, I realised that I still could not achieve that high level of 'khusyuk-ness' yet. When I looked back at how often I recite the Quran, I realised that I could only afford to read the Quran, when I have the time to do so. This in all, could only imply one thing; I failed in maintaining a good  relationship with Allah. I feel far from Him. I feel so far from Him. So far, that I don't even know where I stand in His eyes.

Please don't think too highly of me. Don't regard me as someone pious or holy, for I am not. Perhaps, I might be one of the most despicable person you've ever met on Earth. I know myself better than any of you do and yes, I am degrading myself to this low because this is the truth. My heart; it's filled with so many black dots already and if I don't do anything about it, I'm afraid that my nafsu will get the better of me.

I was scolded by my mum early this morning because it's already been 1 and a half year since I first started memorising Surah Yaasin, but up till this day, I have yet to succesfully memorised Surah Yaasin completely. Why? Because I keep procrastinating. Her words, although were as sharp as a knife, they somehow made sense to me. For the first time ever, I managed to maintain my cool and did not let my emotions get the better of me. Weird.

So I spent the rest of the day; locked in my room, accompanied with only my prayer mat and the Al-Quran. I spent the whole of my Zohor and Asar in my room, doing lots and lots and lots of muhasabah and I recited pages and pages and pages of the Quran. But I still could not find peace. And then, all of a sudden, Ustaz Azahri Mustapha's words came to mind. He was the Ustaz who taught me Aqidah in Pergas and I remember him telling us something like this:

"You want to see the miracles of the Quran? You want to feel the miracle? Then try this. If you feel uneasy, or if you are faced with some uncertainties in life and you are searching for an answer, then here's what you could do. Grab a tafseer of the Quran. Do you niat and doa' to the Almighty whole-heartedly. Then randomly flip open to a page of the tafseer. Read through the page that you've opened and believe it or not, you'll find the answers that you need in that 'random page' you've opened. Well at least an ayat or 2, if not the entire page. It happened to me several times and I get the chills each time I do that. These are kalamullah. The Quran will not lie to you. If you don't believe me, then try it out yourself, and you'll be amazed. I guarantee you that."

And so that's I exactly did. I grabbed my tafseer book and did my niat. I did 4 separate niats and look at what I've found. They give me the chills and I choked up in tears.

My first niat:

" Ya Allah, I just made my mum upset with my ugly attitude. What should I do? "

I then randomly turned to a page of the tafseer and I landed in Surah An-Nahl, ayat 78:

" Dan Allah mengeluarkan kamu dari perut ibumu dalam keadaan tidak mengetahui sesuatu pun, dan Dia memberimu pendengaran, penglihatan, dan hati nurani, agar kamu bersyukur."

My second niat:

"Ya Allah, if I were to fall in love one day, how do I ensure that the love I have for him will not exceed the love that I have for You? Please, show me your hidayah. Give me a 'petunjuk'. "

I did the exact same thing and I landed in Surah At-Taubah, ayat 24:

"Katakanlah, jika bapak-bapakmu, anak-anakmu, saudara-saudaramu, istri-istrimu, keluargamu, harta kekayaan yang kamu usahakan, perdagangan yang kamu khawatirkan kerugiannya, dan rumah-rumah tempat tinggal yang kamu sukai, lebih kamu cinta dari pada Allah dan rasulNya serta berjihad di jalanNya, maka tunggulah sampai Allah memberikan keputusanNya. Dan Allah tidak memberi petunjuk kepada orang-orang fasik."

My third niat:

"Ya Allah, I have done a whole lot of sins. Where do I stand in Your eyes? What should I do?"

Repeated the same process, and I landed in Surah Asy-Syura, ayat 25:

"Dan Dialah yang menerima taubat dari hamba-hambaNya dan memaafkan kesalahanNya dan mengetahui apa yang kamu kerjakan."

My fourth niat:

"Ya Allah, why do I feel so sad now? Why am I beset with endless trials and tribulations?"

I found this answer on Surah Asy-Syura again, ayat 30:

"Dan musibah apapun yang menimpa kamu adalah kerana perbuatan tanganmu sendiri, dan Allah memaafkan banyak dari kesalahan-kesalahan kamu"

Allahuakbar. I teared up like crazy upon reading all that. It's like, I feel like Allah is really communicating to me, through the Al-Quran. It sent shivers down my spine and I got goosebumps. The Quran is true. Islam is true. Allah, Allah, Allah. Ustaz Azahri's words were true afterall. And after Asar prayers, I immediately went up to my mum and I apologised to her, and we were okay once again. Syukur lilah.

And the good news is that, I am now at line 80 for Surah Yaasin. 3 more ayats to go and I'll finish memorising the whole of Surah Yaasin. Even if I don't get to khatam Al-Quran in this Ramadhan, I hope to at least finish memorising the whole of Surah Yaasin in this Ramadhan. And if that were to come true, it'll really make my Ramadhan this year, to be a really special one.

Thank you mum. Had you not nagged at me, had you not scolded me harshly, I doubt I would ever realise what a lazy and a good-for-nothing daughter, I had been all these while. I need to change and stop behaving like a munafiq.

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to have unusual knowledge. and you don’t have to be super pious. You only need to be decent. Be sincere. Be real. Be straight up. Don’t be a fake. Don’t be like you think you try to act pious on the outside but you know what really happens in the inside. Be the best Muslim as you can be, that was what the Prophet SAW said. ~ Sheikh Khalid Yassin