The Boy

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Merciful
Assalamualaikum

2 weeks left exactly, before the end of practicum. I think I've mentioned before in a previous entry about how I wanted to leave my centre quite badly. But this morning, I woke up feeling guilty. Knowing that I've only about 14 days left to spend with the kids, I don't know if I have done enough to make them feel loved, or if I have done a good job in educating them. To be honest, I dread having to wake up soooo early in the morning and rush to my centre. The moment I wake up, I thought about all the crazy routines that I have to do in the centre later in the day. I'll lay out the routines here:

7am - 8a.m: Arrival of children

8.30am - 8.45am: Breakfast

8.45am - 9:45: Morning Assembly

9.45am - 11am: Lesson Time (English and Chinese)

11am - 12pm: Shower Time

12pm - 12.30pm: Lunch for the children + brushing of teeth after lunch

1.00pm - 3.00pm: Nap time

3.00pm - 4.00pm: Tea time

4.00pm - 5.00pm: Play time

5.00pm - 7pm: Dismissal of children

It's crazy. But I found joy eventually. And it's all because of the children, and this particular boy in my class. When I was first introduced to the students in my class; my class teacher got each of the children to introduce themselves to me by saying: "Hello Teacher Su, my name is xxx. I am 4 years old this year" Most all of the children; although a little shy, they were all able to greet me without much difficulties. Except for this boy, who refused to utter a single word. Initially, I thought he was just being cranky as it was the first day of school; until I learnt from my class teacher that this boy has mild autism. Upon learning that, I made it a point that I want to make my presence to him known, before I leave. I have 2 months for that. So I started to make an in-depth research on the internet about children with autism and the kinds of adaptations that I should make to my classroom environment, to help him adjust better. During my research, I came across these few statements; which caused me to tear.

" This very environment in which I have to live often seems hostile. I may appear withdrawn or belligerent to you but I am really just trying to defend myself."

"Please be patient with my limited vocabulary. It's hard for me to tell you what I need when I don't have the means to describe my feelings. I may be hungry, frustrated, frightened, or confused but right now, those words are beyond my ability to express."

"Please help me with social interactions. It may look like I don't want to play with the other kids on the playground. But sometimes it's just that I simply do not know how to start a conversation or enter a play situation."

I teared because I realised that it is not easy for anyone to live with autism, or live with someone who has autism.& now, I am certain that Special Needs Education is where I want, and will be heading towards after this. I spent my first 2 weeks in the centre observing him. I observed that he doesn't interact much, and is often left alone. During morning assembly, while most of the other children are singing the school song, he would be at the extreme back of the classroom, staring at himself in the mirror blankly. If he is in a good mood, he would be running around in circles without stop, until a teacher comes grabbing him by his arm and pull him to join the other children in the assembly.

During meal times, he'd be the last to finish his food because he just refused to eat. I observed how several teachers tried to feed him, but he'd scream 'no' repeatedly and if forced to eat, he'd push their hands away, causing the food on the spoon to fall to the ground. The only way to make him eat; would be through threatening him to eat in the principal's office. It may sound extreme, but it works.

During lesson time, amazingly he sits down, with his legs crossed and listens attentively. He'd laugh at things that only he finds funny. His speech may not be clear, but I could see his passion in learning very clearly. For instance, once; I gave him a colouring worksheet to complete. Without having to tell him to colour the worksheet, he'd automatically reach out for a colour pencil starts to colour with his left hand. And if I ever called out for his name while he is in the midst of colouring; he would never respond because he's engrossed with the colouring.

During play time, he likes to play with the doctor's stethoscope. That is his favourite toy. He'd come to me smiling with the stethoscope and pretends to be the doctor. He checks for my heartbeat on my forehead(strangely enough, haha) and I'd pull him over to my lap and pretend to make the sound of a heart beating saying: duk duk, duk duk, duk duk. He'd laugh so hard, each time I make that sound. I enjoy seeing him laughing, more than anything else in this whole wide world. Cheh, haha.

Over the weeks, I managed to create a connection with him and he finally acknowledges me as Teacher Su. During morning assembly, he'd come to me smiling cheekily and when I called out for his name dearly, he'd blush and would start to run away from me laughing happily. MasyaAllah, it is the best feeling ever. If I can't help him with lessons(because I'm not trained in special education), the least I could do is help him feel happy and make him feel loved.

But all is not glory. There were days when he would throw a tantrum, and smack me hard with his hands. Haha, I gathered the confidence to feed him during lunch time. The teachers trust me in feeding him, so they allowed me to feed him. The first time I tried, he turned his face away to the opposite direction and I had to change my seating position so that I could face him. When I brought the spoon of rice to his mouth, he started to say 'no' repeatedly and hit me hard with his hands and pushed me away. I got angry. I hated having to threaten him to eat in the principal's office. As far as possible I try not to do that. Although threatening works, it brings more harm than good. But my frustration got the better of me, and I started to threaten him by getting him to eat in the principal's office. When I said that, he grabbed my hands hard and said 'no'. He looked me in the eye and said 'no'. Judging from how hard he was grabbing my hands, I knew he was terrified. I woke up from my frustration and istighfar-ed in my heart. What have I done? Making him feel frightened so that I could get my job done fast? Astaghfirullah. That look he had in his eyes, it was really pitiful. I should never have done that. ):

Over the days, I realised that the best way to feed him is through a little game. He loves aeroplane. So I came up with an idea. I told him to imagine that the spoon is an aeroplane. And that the food on the spoon are people waiting to be rescued. The only way to rescue the people; would be for the 'aeroplane' to enter his mouth. He laughs so hard each time I do this. I'd say: Quickly xxx! The aeroplane is shaking, the people are screaming for help! Let's save them, open your mouth quick, quick!" He'd laugh and open his mouth to the food. ALHAMDULILAH. I was sooo happy when I managed to get him eat for the first timeee in many weeks! But on days when he refused to open his mouth despite the little game, I'd go: "Oh, ohhh. The people are going to fall off from the plane. Feeeeeeingggg, kebabom!" I threw the food on the spoon back to the bowl. And let it be. He'd stare at his bowl for a minutes expressionlessly. I gave him time to consider. And after a a minute or two: I'd ask him: Xxx, are you ready to eat? Are you ready to save lives once again? If he nods his head, I'd continue with the game. If he ignores me, I'd get help from another teacher. But that, would be my last resort.

I could write more, but this shall do for now. Knowing him, have been the greatest blessing in my life. It makes me want to understand them more. It is our duty as an educator to help them live through this life, and help make this world be a better place for them to live in. It sounds so idealistic, eh? I've learnt a lot through interacting with him. It makes me think. It makes me think about life, it makes me think about so many things.

It makes me think:
Susu, if you think your life sucks so much, think again. & with only 14 days plus left to spend with the kids at the centre, I have to ensure that every moment spent, will be a positive experience for all the children. Teaching is so rewarding, masyaAllah.

The soul still seeking for peace,
Suhaidah Amran