Someday

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

Title: Someday...

Someday, I'll drive a car. Someday, I'll study hard enough to get myself a scholarship and study overseas. Someday, I'll graduate with a degree in hand. Someday, I'll have a fat bank account. Someday, I'll earn just enough to send both my parents off for pilgrimage. Someday, I'll be able to travel around the world. Someday, I'll master the art of silat. Someday, I'll be rich enough to set up an orphanage for the children in Indonesia. Someday, I'll be married to a man who will love me, guide me, and protect me for a lifetime. Someday, I'll leave Singapore for another country, and start a whole new life there.

Someday, I'll finish memorising the whole book of the Al-Quran. Someday, I'll practise the sunnahs of the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w. Someday, I'll never miss a single Tahajjud prayer. Someday, I'll be able to recite the Quran with perfect Tajweed and Tartil. Someday, I'll be able to perform the solat with much khusyu'ness. Someday, I'll be able to recite the Quran with good tarannum. Someday, I'll become a successful somebody.

But someday, my beauty will fade. My skin will sag and I'll have wrinkles on my face. My hair will turn grey, and my bones will be brittle. Someday, I'll be too old to even stand up and do my solat. Someday, I wouldn't even have the energy to walk. Someday, all the money that I have in my bank account, will not be much of a help when the Angels of Death come to me. Someday, all the academic knowledge that I have, will not help me escape from akhirat. Someday, I'll die. Someday, I'll be left alone in the graveyard. Someday, someday, someday...

Wait. Please don't get me wrong. It's not fame and words of praises that I'm after & neither is it monetary wealth and luxury that I'm dying for. I just want to challenge myself and be the best muslim lady that I can be. & besides, it doesn't hurt to dream does it? There's so many things to look forward to in life and I can't afford to allow a single thought of negativity, to pull my spirits down. Every single little little things that I do in this life, will have its consequences in the next. I should be more careful in every single thing that I do from now on. I think I got my eeman back on track. But then again, who am I to even conclude that?

Yesterday, I was at Assyakirin mosque once again, to hear a preach sermon by Ustaz Kazim Elias. It was good to be back at the mosque, after sooo long. The topic of the sermon: Wow, seronoknya bersama Al-Quran. The sermon was conducted right after Isya' and the imam for Isya' that night; his recitation was, subhanallah, spine-chilling. I couldn't contain my tears and I just had to let it flow down like water at the first rakaat. I lowered my eyes in shame, as I stood by the sajadah. & all of a sudden, I had a flashback of all the sins I've committed thus far, and I felt so empty inside.

For the past few months, I was either busy with school, or work. I've been running around from one place to another that I hardly have the time to really settle down and do a self muhasabah(reflection). I need a purification of the heart. My soul is empty and it is hungry. It needs to be fed with taqwa. Lots and lots of taqwa.

The preach sermon by Ustaz Kazim Elias did great to my eeman. It gave me a super-mega-ega-tiga huge eeman boost. A quote by the ustaz: "Whoever refuses to read the Al-Quran, he is far from the light of Nur. & whoever is far from the light of Nur, he will be in total darkness." That struck me hard. As I search deep within myself, I thought about my relationship with the Al Quran. I thought about my relationship with Allah. I thought about my relationship with the people around me. I thought about my relationship with my students. I thought about my relationship with...with myself. And I realised that... I realised that I have sinned. Allahuakbar. I've sinned, I've sinned, I've sinned. This hurts, it hurts so bad.

I've got to repent, and work my way up again. This has got to stop. O dear self, O dear self.

Allah made you so beautiful, Allah tagged you with a high self worth, Allah elevated your honor by making you a Muslim, Allah blessed you, clothed you, fed you and guided you. So why then did you have to run after someone who degrades you? Why chase the dunya which will only abandon you to the severity of the akhirat? Why lose yourself amidst all this hustle of life that means nothing? At the end of the day, its only Allah. He matters, He remains, He deserves all your love and time, its again a blessing that you can even utter and write His Exalted name. Subhanallah, your relationship with your Lord is that which you live and die for. So O Nurul Suhaidah, it's about time you fix your relationship with your Lord. Stop running around, and stop pretending that everything is okay when it is clearly not. Your Deen is in a mess. Face it. 

 

Please doa' for me so that Allah strengthens my heart, and help me make the right decision in everything that I do. O Allah, I hope for your mercy. Do not leave me alone, for even in the duration of an eye blink. And please correct my total condition. Verily besides You, there is none other that is worthy of worship. I'll pray for a beautiful heart; free from all this impatience and anger. I pray to You O Allah for a heart that knows no enmity, revenge, malice, or anything of that sort. Keep me close to You O Allah, Keep me close to You. Forgive me for my sins, forgive me, forgive me Ya Ghafur. )':