Fighting off the fire

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

Title: I've sinned.

I've sinned. I've caused him to sin. We've sinned. I let my eeman fall. & I probably have become the major cause to have let his eeman fall into pieces. O Allah, just what have I done? What were you thinking Susu, WHAT?

By right, I should fill my heart with Allah's love first, before anyone else. Even if I were to end up marrying someone one day, my love for Allah, should still be put at number one. That's just how greedy and hungry I should be, to get Allah's love close to my heart. But I lost myself along the way. I lost myself along the way, I lost myself along the way! Astaghfirullah. ]'=

This whole thing was wrong, right from the very beginning. We were afraid to lose each other, so we carried on playing with the fire. & now it's been months, it's been close to a year. We've come this far, and voila, we've landed ourselves in a huge huge huge mess.

I feel sooo sinful and I feel like banging myself hard against the wall. There is no turning back. I've sinned. I'm trembling in fear, and my tears are flowing out. For the sake of Allah, I'm sacrificing everything. Everything just for the sake of Allah. I am just a servant of His anyway. I'm just another lowly servant of His.

From now on, I am going to treat my eeman(faith), like a rare treasure. I'll treat it like gold. I am not going to forsake my eeman for anything at all. I am not going to let syaitan rule me, and I'm not going to let syaitan have his way anymore. Oh boy, letting go is hard. I want to run towards my Lord, but dunya's holding me back. I don't want to reminisce but I am oh so very weak.

I used to think; nah we don't go out on a date. We don't sms each other. We don't talk on the phone. We're not even an item, although we knew that we loved each other very deeply inside. We only email each other and the emails are all tazkirah based. Nothing mushy, and it's contents are all certified clean. Our intention is to bring us both to Jannah. So what could possibly go wrong? Nah, Allah won't be mad at us. He won't. We'll get by just as fine.

In my daily supplications, I would doa' that we be matched together one day. But then I realised, that this whole thing is costing me my eeman. And it has prolly messed his eeman too. Every word I’m typing right now is honestly like a spear to my heart. I now find myself having a real hard time, getting rid of everything bit-by-bit. But my heart is aching, and my tears are flowing.

Loving a non-mahram before marraige, what was I even thinking? I was wrong, right from the very beginning. I miss him and I still do. But maybe, it's not really him whom I miss. It's Him whom I've been missing. By sinning, I've grown further apart from Allah. How little in comparison is this small happiness that a non-mahram can give me, in trade of the immense reward that Allah has in store for me?

And I'm making this known to all, because I don't want you to make the same mistake like I did. Don't make the same mistake like I did. All that I need now, is courage. The courage to repent, & the courage to assure myself, that this would be the end. I gotta do this because I think, I don't even know if it is right for me to say this but maybe, I truly love him for the sake of the Almighty and I don't want this whole thing to ruin his eeman. Because eeman is like a gem, and I'm going to protect mine, & I don't want my presence to ruin his eeman either. It's just not the right time yet. But if we're meant to be, we will be. Till then, we should focus on working on our relationship with Allah.

My advice to all, no wait. Maybe I am not even in a perfect position to give people advices but at least, just listen to what I have to say. Out of pure love for all brothers and sisters in Islam, whom I've met, and have yet to meet, here's a little something: Don't follow my footsteps. You have no idea how so very hard this is going to be on you. This whole lovey-lovey thing, can just ruin your eeman, within a matter of time. Protect your eeman, treasure your eeman. Don't let syaitan, get a hold of it, even by just a bit.

Read this.
O Allah, forgive me for we have strayed. Protect our faith and give me the strength to go through this ordeal. Only to You do I turn to for help, and only to You, I seek refuge in.
Yes, susu. You can do this.

And he is patient in obeying Allah & avoiding sin, despite the pain of love that he feelis in his heart, just as one who is afflicted with a calamity bears the pain of it with patience, then he will be one of thos who fear Allah and are patient. "Verily, he who fears Allah with obedience to Him, by abstaining from sins and evil deends, and by performing righteous good deeds, and is patient, then surely, Allah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon(good-doers), to be lost. [ Surah Yusuf, ayat 90 ]