Qalb

In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum

حَسْبُنَا اللَّهُ وَنِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ
Allah alone, is sufficient for us. (Surah Al Imran: 173)

I want to work, on my spiritual well-being. I want to clean this heart for it has been filled with so much filth, that I can't even begin to describe. My heart is fragile.Ya Rabb, this heart You gave me is only so small and I can't seem to fill it with enough ihsaan, and ikhlaas, to last me a lifetime.

Dear self.
You read so many books, to know it all,
yet fail to ever read your heart at all. 
You rush to holy shrines to play a part,
but would you dare enter, the shrine of your own heart?
You are quick to attack, the 'evil one',
yet pride is a battle you have not won.
You grab for a star you can control,
yet fail to grasp the light in your own soul.

'Don't think that your heart is strong. The heart, is a vulnerable fool. It turns easily. And that is why it's called the qalb (that which turns).' - Yasmid Mogahed -

Last month, I recalled being really upset. So upset, that I knew the only place that could offer me immediate solace and comfort, would be doing i'tikaf at a masjid. So I headed straight for Al-Iman Mosque, and it was during the i'tikaf, that I truly felt connected to my spiritual well-being. It was a feeling, that I have not experienced in a very long, long time. The feeling granted me a strong will, to return back to al-fitra. It suddenly occurred to me that hey, isn't the act of returning back to our fitra, a beautiful concept to live with? Returning back to al-fitra, I thought, must first begin with the purification of the heart.

Prophet Muhammad s.a.w once mentioned: 'Surely there is in the body, a small piece of flesh. If it is good, the whole body will be good. And if it is corrupted, the whole body will be corrupted. And know that this piece of flesh, is surely, the heart. - Related sahih by Imam Bukhari -

With that in mind, I came to a point of realization that realizes the reality of it all. Beginning to see it for the first time, the importance of things. Noticing every single inch of detail that surrounds me, and finally look at life the right way. The search for a better self, isn't at all easy. To change for the better is one thing, but to maintain the istiqamah is another. How do you maintain the istiqamah?

From a sermon I attended recently, I found my answer when the Ustaz ended the class with this particular hadith.

Prophet Muhammad s.a.w said: 'I leave with you two things. As long as you hold on to them tightly, you will never go astray. They are, the Book of Allah (Quran) and my Sunnah.

And there you have it, oh dear self.  We read the Quran, but yet it's contents we never quite understand. From this hadith, it has now become clear to me that, one should never abandon the Quran. For if we ever do, there will be a strange form of emptiness that will fill our heart, and then we'd begin to look for happiness, in all the wrong places. Recite the Quran, and live upon it. I want to be able to reach a point where, my heart will terribly feel at unease, if I fail to recite at least one page in a day. It takes a lot to reach there, but insyaallah.

My Qalb needs fixing, and let the spiritual service begin. 

The soul still seeking for peace,
Suhaidah Amran