In the name of Allah, The Most Gracious, The Most Merciful
Assalamualaikum
Title: Responsibilities
This is going to be long, so bear with me.
This world is fickle. It keeps changing. Nothing's permanent. Friends change. They come and they go, as and when they please. Why is it so hard, to find friends that will help to keep you close to Allah? Then I realised, it's because nobody is perfect. Sometimes, in my doa', I'd tell Allah that I don't want anything from this world anymore. Nothing at all, for this world holds no value to me anymore. I just want to go to Jannah, and see Allah's beautiful face, meet the Prophet Muhammad s.a.w and His companions, and be in there for eternity. I'm sick of this dunya. I'm so sick of this play, and I cry at the slightest things. I wish everything could just stop. This dunya, is like a prison. Do you feel me? Do you?
But that would be ridiculous. As much as I want to give my 101% attention to my ukhrawi affairs, I can't possibly give up on duniawi affairs at the same time. Because I have responsibilities. I have a responsibility towards my parents, my sister, my friends, and most importantly, I have a responsibility towards the ummah. I mean, we all have a part to play don't we?
They say, getting into Jannah is easy. Just do your solahs, recite the Quran and do all the good things that will please Allah. Yeah, easier said than done because as humans, more often than not, we are easily distracted by worldy affairs. Don't you think so? And I'm sick, and tired of all these. Why am I always caught up with worldly affairs that I sometimes hardly have the time to even read through a page of the Quran? Why am I always so caught up with worldly affairs that I sometimes rush through the rakaats in my prayers? Why am I always so caught up with worldly affairs that I can't even spend a minute a day, to think about my Lord and thank Him for all the things that He has done for me? Why do I always forget that Allah's watching me all the time? Why are you like that Susu, WHY?
O Allah, O Allah, O Allah! You've seen my tears. You've heard me in my doa'. You know what's hidden in my heart. Give me guidance. I want to be able to feel Your love. Where do I stand at, in Your eyes O Lord? I wonder about what that will happen to me during my first night in the grave. I wonder when the Angel of Death will come to me. I wonder how I'll die. I wonder if I'll be able to recite the Shahadah before I leave this world.
People out there, they are treating me like I'm some kind of an angel. They regard highly of me. Their perception of me, is all that of a good one. But little do they know that I am actually someone, who've
got many flaws. People are coming to me, to help them get back to the right path.
During the weekends, I teach the teens and children in the mosque, about the Deen. I tell them stories about the Prophet. I tell them about what that will happen during the Day of Judgement. I tell them about how great our Lord is. I tell them about the importance of solah. I tell them about the importance of reciting the Quran. I tell them about so many things, that are related to the Deen. I can speak with so much charisma, and confidence in front of my students.
But towards the end of the day, I'd gaze at myself briefly in the mirror and asked myself: Susu, do you practice what you preach? I shivered in fear, because I realised that, I couldn't find the answer to that. I broke down, and I cried. Ustazah. Can I even live up to that name? Can I?
2 days ago, I received a text message from my aunt. The one who had surprised me with 2 beautiful pieces of shawls months back. I thank Allah, because He has finally opened her heart, to put on the Hijab. She's now Hijab-ed, alhamdulilah. In her sms this time, she begged me to teach her how to recite the Al-Quran. You have no idea how happy I was, when I read that sms. So she came over to my house today. But she didn't came alone, she came along with her son; my cousin. Her 23 year old son, whom I have not met for close to 10 years, have grown up to such a fine looking young man. My aunt's a divorcee, and her son grew up living with his dad. So I hardly see him around during family gatherings.
My aunt came today, to make a confession. A confession that shocked me, and my entire family. My cousin's getting married, in a month's time. But he doesn't even know how to recite the shahadah. He doesn't know how to pray. He doesn't know how to read the Quran. That was not all. So my aunt's relying on me now, to help guide him and his wife-to-be, about Islam, before they get married.
When my aunt told me that he couldn't recite the shahadah, my heart just crumbled into pieces. I cried. I cried out of pity. I empathised him, and his family. But actually, the reason why my tears are flowing, is because of regret. I regret leaving all my cousins, aunts, and uncles behind (in terms of ukhrawi). These whole while, I have been going for religious classes, day and night. Learning about Aqidah, Hadith, Tafseer, Tajweed, Sirah, Fiqh and all that. I focused on improving my eeman. I focused about getting into Jannah, only for myself. But I forgot, about the state of my own family members; my relatives I mean.
I go around the mosques, teaching people of the younger generation about the Deen, but I left my relatives hanging in the lurch. I left them wondering around aimlessly to nowehere. I had left them alone. What use is it of the ilm' that I have, if I don't spread them around? O Allah, forgive me for I have forsaken my own family!
Before I went to sleep last night, I prayed to Allah in hope that everything will be okay. And alhamdulilah, everything turned out to be okay. Because I haven't met my cousin for eons of years, there was a little bit of awkwardness in us. He admitted to being shy, because he's 23, and I'm only 17 but yet, there is so much that he has to learn from me. But I told him, my side of my story. I shared with him about my past. How I almost believed in Christianity when I was fourteen, to how, I eventually changed for the better. And up till today, I am still in the process of change.
I woke up really early this morning, to prepare some powerpoint slides for my cousin. Since he had no basics about Islam at all, I thought that it would be wise to start on Aqidah first. I can't possibly teach him Iqra' straight, if he doesn't even know why should one bother to read the Al-Quran at all. I managed to finish the slides on time, alhamdulilah. They came at 1 p.m exactly. I set my laptop up, and delivered the lesson at the dining room. My aunt sat in as well, for she too, had little knowledge about Islam.
I tried to make my lesson as interesting as possible. I was nervous too at first, but I told myself to keep on going. As I was telling him about how Allah forgives the sins of His servants etc, his eyes started to tear. It was red. He kept rubbing his eyes, and I knew that he was going to cry, any moment from now. I pretended not to see his tears, so I kept on going and going, and going, until I've reached my last slide. And then I faced him. Our eyes met, and I could see that look of regret in his eyes.
Abang, are you here to learn out of your own will, or are you here to learn, because you are forced to? Because if you are forced to come here to learn, I see no point in carrying this lesson out if your heart isn't sincere enough. If you think that this is wasting your time, then tell me outright. As much as I want to help you out, there is nothing much that I can do, if you are not going to commit yourself to change. I am here, and I can help. But it takes two hands to clap. So are you ready for this, or are you not?
I had to be a little blunt. He was getting married in a month's time! He's going to be a husband, a father. A lot of responsibilities awaits him. How is he going to guide his wife and children, if he can't even recite the shahadah? Then, I realised that, to teach him about all that responsibility, the responsibility begins with me first. I have to guide him, to the best of my ability, even if they are not going to pay me a single cent. Because he is, my cousin afterall. InsyaAllah, let's pray that he'll be given His light of hidayah someday.
& that is not the end of my story. I have a friend, well 2 friends to be exact, who wants to convert to Islam. They are about the same age of me, one is 17, while the other is 18. They're both Chinese, and they're non-muslims. Both of them, are avid readers of my blog. One of them,wanted me to teach her a little bit of Iqra', and so I did. She really practised memorising the Hijjaiyah letters at home, and I can see that she's really determined to know more about Islam. One fine day, I received an sms from one of them. She told me:
Susu, you know. I really wish that I could solat like how you Muslims offer your prayers to your Lord everyday. Because I wish I could my doa' too. But I am not a Muslim yet. I feel so sad. Because I really want to talk to Allah.
Reading that, brought tears to my eyes. Imagine. We have a non-muslim sister here, who is wishing that she was a muslim. We have a non-muslim sister here, who is wishing that she could kneel down and perform the solat. We have a non-muslim sister here, who is wishing that she could do the doa' and talk to the Lord. The ironic thing is, how many of us born muslims, is thankful enough to Allah, for choosing us, to become Muslims by default? I mean, Allah could've just chosen to seal our hearts from Islam and I think, being born a Muslim, is the greatest blessing, that a Muslim could ever hope to ask for.
& again. This is another responsibility that I have to carry. Apart from having to guide my cousin, his wife-to-be, and my aunt, I have to help these 2 chinese friends of mine along too. Sometimes, I don't know why Allah has brought these people to me. Do they serve as a motivation for me, to become a better Muslimah each day? I don't know. You have no idea how heavy this responsibility is on me. Perhaps, this is what Allah has planned for me. I'm afraid that I might not be able to pull this through.
O Allah, if my intended action is better for my religion and faith, if it is better for my life and death, if it is better for this world and the next, then make it destined and easy for me, and give me Your blessings for it. Ameen, ameen, ameen.
No comments:
Post a Comment